How to Dismantle an Atomic Blog

When are you going to come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man

You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up for you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This girls too young to be singing the blues..

So goodbye yellowbrick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough

Back to the hallowed old owl in the woods
Hunting the horney backed toads
I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellowbrick road...

What do you think you'll do then
I bet that'll shoot down your plane
It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics to set you on your feet again

Maybe you'll get a replacement
There's plenty of me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground.

The way I am, selfish, stubborn, stupid....bothers a lot of people.

Part of me wants to be better.

But another part of me is tired of apologizing just for the way...I am.

So maybe, at least while I'm young(er...) and restless...maybe I'll just be what I am and not feel bad for it.

How did I become so interested in words? I certainly don’t choose my own words carefully at all. I throw hate and love around pretty easily. I hate a lot of inanimate objects and feelings and I say this quite often. I even say that I hate people at the drop of a hat. Just the same, I love a lot of inanimate objects and throw that around also.

but I am so obsessed lately with what other people say, and don’t say. Mostly it’s what people don’t say and how they choose to present words like ‘heart’ and ‘love’. It’s hard to explain what I am feeling, other than just foolish. I pay close attention to what a particular person says and doesn’t say..and I put a lot of emphasis on the word choice this person uses.

I wonder which crazy relationship in my life (familial? Opposite gender?) Made me so very suspicious of words and phrases. And their absence. Maybe it’s the absence of a certain phrase and the inclusion of another that’s driving me so crazy lately.

I overanalyze other’s words...but I can’t even complete this thought here. Hm.

i physically can't update here because if i did my head might explode. i have too many things to say. TOO MANY THINGS. for some reason i can never bullshit you, LJ. I have to tell you the truth.

I sent a postcard to postsecret.com but I don't think they'll post it. I wish they would, just so YOU might see it.

i was resistant.
you both told me i was being too cautious.
i did it.
now you say it was wrong.


wtf, family? WTF?

I miss school. Working full time at my job at UT has been a double edged sword. I get to do what I like, in a place that I love which is great. But I also have to deal with all these undergraduate students, stumbling along, having the time of their lives and they don't even know it. That part.....sucks. I see them and I want to be them, and I can still taste it because exactly one year ago today I was in that same position. I feel like, at the time, I knew what a great time I was having. And I knew it was coming to an end. I squeezed all I could from it, but that still almost feels like it wasn't enough. College really, absolutely, honestly was the very best time I've ever had in my life. I met the best people, I did the most hilarious things, I grew so much. I am so absolutely terrorfied of never feeling as passionately again, about anything, as I do about UT and my four years of undergrad.

I see kids sleeping in the floor of AMB, I see them hurrying off to class...I see them worrying about the only important things to undergrads: parties, classes, and naps. I want that.


I can't find the rewind button.

1. What do you do? How general. What do I do..... hmm.. A lot of things, I guess. But mostly worry.

2. What makes you pay attention? Something that I have interest in? Again, what kind of stupe-ass question is that?

3. What's your inspiration? Failure. Not even joking. Most of the things I do, I do because I either don't want to look stupid or I don't want to fail.

4. Do you believe in magic? No, I haven't for a long time.

5. What is your favorite subject to write about? Myself. For someone who hates so much about herself, I sure am pretty self-involved.

Updates I promised and updates I am ready to produce.

What has been up with my life, lately, you ask? So much. I am writing to you now from my dining room table. Yes, dear readers, I have moved from the dorm I grew to love after four years. I am now blogging to you via wireless internet from my lovely loft apartment that I share with Todd and our new beagle, Dagny. We are still in the process of settling in here, but it has been almost three months that we've been here. I must say it's very strange to live in a place with more than one room, but even more strange to live in your own place that has your own kitchen, bathroom, etc. I have spent a great amount of time in the last three months settling into a routine that is so much like my mother. I clean everything, every day, and the work never ends. I am also becoming a good little cook, making dinner often. I think Todd enjoys it, and Jordan joins us often which is nice, and he is at least polite enough to tell me he thinks I'm pretty good too, even if he doesn't believe it... I am cooking things that I consider "hard", too. So far my top performances have been turkey (which was great) and I did ribs yesterday for Independence Day. If you're curious, sometimes I put on my new, real pearls just for added affect. I'm not even joking. I started wearing heals during house chores just because I heard you burn twice the calories. So far I am really developing calf muscles from vacuuming in my stilettos. No joke.

Tomorrow I take an online final which finshes my schooling, undergraduate at least, for good. It has been a strange month of June finishing class. I found this class to be particularly interest. Sociology's criminology department offered a study in juvenile delinquency so I took that and it has all been online. Very interesting. I think one of the most spectacular parts of college was that I found almost every class so very interesting and stimulating. I also think that perhaps that is why I never settled on a graduate program. There are so many things I could study or fields I could work in and still be content that I can't choose. And so I haven't, which is another source of stress.

I am currently not planning on attending school full time in the near future. As you know I worked in the advising offices of the College of Arts and Sciences at UT my last year of school, and I continue there right now. I am in the process of applying for an Administrative Professional position in that same office. I had my second interview today and should hear their decision soon. It was a really "big girl" interview, so I wore a suit and surprised everyone, including myself. The pay is very low, but the medical benefits, coupled with free graduate classes, combined with my actual enjoyment of that field of work is what is driving me to apply. If I don't get this job, I don't know what is next. I may take some time off from everything and see where I land.

I feel like I am growing up so rapidly, and in a way I am proud and feel accomplished. In other ways I feel nostalgic, sad, and even boarderline depressed. I am having trouble coping with the various changes that are happening, or I at least perceive to be happening. I feel like some days I am on a real emotional rollercoaster and I can't tell if I'm at a crest or a pit. Part of my anxiety may come from that fact that the future is really, honestly wide open. I have achieved one goal I've dreamed about since I was about 8. I graduated, with top honors, from UT. Every bit of school work, every extra curricular, every bit of me spent the time from 8 to 22 working for that. And now that it's done, I don't know where to turn next.

I enjoy my new home and makeshift family, but yesterday during the fireworks I felt extreme homesickness for Kingsport. First 4th of July away from home. Nobody gets teary over that, do they? I did.

That's all for now, hopefully I will be back soon to update more. There are a lot of things to talk about but I'm not sure when I'll be ready...

I am alive, I promise. I've thought about it, and it's time to start LJing again. I have to go through and make most things Friends Only, though, because apparently out here in the real world people like to read things you wrote when you were 15 and angry at the world and use that as an excuse not to like you or hire you.

SO yes, I will be back. Yes, this will be Friends Only. Yes, LJ is free and I will add almost anyone. Especially my friends, I think you guys need to know what I'm thinking.

I just finished my last undergraduate exam...and I'm sobbing like a baby.

What happened yesterday at VPI in Blacksburg really disturbed me and continues to bother me this morning. I'm not sure I remember anyone I know PERSONALLY going to VPI, but I do know some people through some people (Like Aaron Stewart's girlfriend, etc)..I just couldn't shake the feeling of dread and sorrow, and I couldn't pull myself away from the T.V.

I think my grief comes from the fact that I am in a similar situation that those kids were in. Minding my own business, going to class, getting shit done. You feel kind of shut off when you're on a campus sometimes. It's nothing REALLY like the outside world. It's like a little bubble of it's own un-reality. But actually, you're not as safe as you think you are. You're in the middle of a downtown area if you're at UT. Anyone can come and go on campus as they please, because we are very welcoming to the community. And if something tragic happens, you've just..out in the open. Yesterday unfortunately some smartass(es) decided to play a prank and called in a bomb threat to a UT building. How sickening.

Anyway, as a college student and age cohort of this murderer, I can't help but wonder what the hell is wrong with my generation when we produce individuals like this. I was also the same age as the Columbine shooters. What drives them to do this? And then what makes them think that it's okay to shoot 'em up in classrooms. The only place you should let your guard down and focus on something else.

So frustrating and sad.

I am leaving for New Year's tripping and bowl gaming in Tampa tomorrow, and I may not have internet access. Posting will resume every single day beginning at the end of the trip (I promise!) Until then, please be satisfied with these traditional(!) end of the year surveys.



Best Assignment Produced: Probably my Spring06 International Law paper on the legality of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. AMAZING.
Best Book: I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, Maya Angelous
Best Concert: INXS in Nashville in the Spring.
Best Date: My anniversary in February.
Best Dance:
Best Experience: Traveling to so many away football games.
Best Friendship Made: Jordan.
Best Kiss: That's hard... one with Todd, of course.
Best Meal: The night Todd and I went to Puleo's probably. I had country ham and spinach pasta.
Best Person Met: Have I met someone new?
Best Seasonal Experience: This fall was great.
Best Song: Over My Head by The Fray or Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Best Teacher: Dr. Scheb (Yeah I complained a lot..) Dr. Morgan or Dr. Stiebert again.
Biggest Accident: Getting so drunk at Nathan's that one night with the Smirnoff.
Biggest Achievement: Maybe my grades. Maybe social leaps in terms of growing up a little.
Biggest Friendship Blow-Out: FAMILY blow out, more like it. Vicki at Christmas.
Biggest Decision: Grad School..not that I've picked one but that I'm going.
Biggest Dashboard Confessional: Probably going to Athens we had the most fun and talked about the most things.
Biggest Smile of the Year: Lots of them, so much greatness happened.
Biggest Surprise: Having a job I enjoy, that I would be so emotional about graduation in the FALL
Boyfriend: Todd
Cutest Outfit of the Year: My huge sunglasses and red shirt with the knit shawl over it.
Cutest Guy Met: None?
Funniest Memory: Anything that happened on the Athens trip.
Funniest Thing Said: There isn't enough space to list them. "Fire Crotch" "Chief Kweefe" and the "bridge" controversy round out the top.
Gett'n Some Flavor: I never get this question.
Heart-Touching Moment: My brithday. A lot of people came out with me.
Letting it all go: I don't know if I did this year, maybe that's the problem.
Most Drunk Moment: Birthday or random Saturday at Nathan's when I threw up :/.
Most Interesting Thing Done: Hasn't happened yet. Trip to Tampa in a day or so.
Most Lonely Moment: Not sure.
Most Out of My Shell Moment: My birthday.
Saddest Moment: September/October was killer.
Thing that Hurt the Most: Dealing with Nana issues..
The One Night Stand: None!
Worst Date: Not sure there was a bad one.
Worst Experience: Nana going through cancer, surgery, and radiation all in about 3 months.
Worst Memory: When David and Lisa casually mentioned during the Florida/UT game that Nana went to the doctor and they thought she had cancer and then was like "Oh anyway..."

From 2003 that I use every year.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Travelled seriously, honestly with just Todd. Got extremely nasty drunk.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't keep them, but I got pretty far. I will make more, though.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Stan's sister-in-law did.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thankfully.
5. What countries did you visit? None :/
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? Internal serenity.
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Day I learned Nana had cancer, or any day that was a "big day" in that whole thing.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? My grades, dealing with emotions more maturely.
9. What was your biggest failure? Keeping in touch with friends.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing major. Sinus infections that last too long, as usual.
11. What was the best thing you bought? I didn't buy it, but my PRODUCT RED RAZR cellphone!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Me..Nana.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Friends. Vicki.
14.Where did most of your money go? Food and alcohol and trips..
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Tampa. My birthday.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006? Pretty Vegas, INXS. Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? same?
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? being home.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worrying, stressing, crying.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent it with my family, until the explosion of anger.
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? Already there.
23. How many one-night stands? NONE!
24. What was your favorite TV program? LOST, The Hills.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Maybe..
26. What was the best book you read? The Autobiography of Malcolm X.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? The New Cars
28. What did you want and get? Product Red RAZR cell phone.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Dunno. I guess I only saw The Da Vinci Code and Ricky Bobby, actually. Well, an American Haunting and Borat. BORAT was my favorite!
31. What did you do n your birthday, and how old were you? 22. Went to Chilis and drank, went to BWW's and drank, cried, passed out at Nathan and Jordans.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? No cancer.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? More adult.
34. What kept you sane? Todd...friends...road trips...prayer actually.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Bono is still my favorite..
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Tennessee Senate race to replace Bill Frist.
37. Who did you miss? Theresa.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Jordan, technically..
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Keep faith and hope.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through

My local news, WATE Knoxville is on National feeds, like Fox News now, because a radio-traffic reporter here in town has damaged his landing gear and is attempting a crash-lading.

1. Last person you told to shut up: Nathan. Always..

2. Do you drink wine? Yeahhhhh. I like wine. Especially a good chardonnay! Mmm. I could go for a bottle of wine tonight.

3. Ever fly on a plane? Never. I know, I know. But we never really had money when I was a kid, and now that we have some, flying isn't on our top priority. Well, for me anyway, it is, but I just never do it. Mom does for work..

4. Do you yell at your friends? Yes. I'm bad, I know, but I do yell mostly at Nathan.

5. What have you quit? 3 jobs, but I did it the right way at least 2 times, and I contend number three was right but they don't. I quit the first two because I was finishing high school and moving to college, so. There. And I quit the third one because I was getting panic attacks and shit because of their horseshit.

1. Are you complicated? Probably. I think the things I like and what makes me happy are simple and consist of pretty simple things, but I think understanding my motivations behind my actions, and a lot of other things, like the reasoning behind who I am, is complicated. I also think dealing with me is probably really complicated.

2. Do you retaliate? In my mind. Usually I just say something that doesn't come out nearly as mean or smart as I want it to sound, then I brood about it for months or even years. But in my mind, I'm always retaliating.. which is kind of scary.

3. Last person to hug you? It's got to be Todd. Nobody hugs me but Todd!

4. Your latest complaint: Probably that nobody is working today so I have to pull files and refile past appointments today at work instead of just answering phones.

5. Who was the bully on your playground? What a random question. I feel like most of my life has been shaped by bullies, especially pre-college. I guess in college, I'm a bit of a bully and an instigator, especially with Nathan. But before college, I feel like I was picked on A LOT.

This is for Jenna: "Set my mood to quixotic"