How to Dismantle an Atomic Blog

When are you going to come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man

You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up for you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This girls too young to be singing the blues..

So goodbye yellowbrick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough

Back to the hallowed old owl in the woods
Hunting the horney backed toads
I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellowbrick road...

What do you think you'll do then
I bet that'll shoot down your plane
It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics to set you on your feet again

Maybe you'll get a replacement
There's plenty of me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground.

The way I am, selfish, stubborn, stupid....bothers a lot of people.

Part of me wants to be better.

But another part of me is tired of apologizing just for the way...I am.

So maybe, at least while I'm young(er...) and restless...maybe I'll just be what I am and not feel bad for it.

How did I become so interested in words? I certainly don’t choose my own words carefully at all. I throw hate and love around pretty easily. I hate a lot of inanimate objects and feelings and I say this quite often. I even say that I hate people at the drop of a hat. Just the same, I love a lot of inanimate objects and throw that around also.

but I am so obsessed lately with what other people say, and don’t say. Mostly it’s what people don’t say and how they choose to present words like ‘heart’ and ‘love’. It’s hard to explain what I am feeling, other than just foolish. I pay close attention to what a particular person says and doesn’t say..and I put a lot of emphasis on the word choice this person uses.

I wonder which crazy relationship in my life (familial? Opposite gender?) Made me so very suspicious of words and phrases. And their absence. Maybe it’s the absence of a certain phrase and the inclusion of another that’s driving me so crazy lately.

I overanalyze other’s words...but I can’t even complete this thought here. Hm.

i physically can't update here because if i did my head might explode. i have too many things to say. TOO MANY THINGS. for some reason i can never bullshit you, LJ. I have to tell you the truth.

I sent a postcard to postsecret.com but I don't think they'll post it. I wish they would, just so YOU might see it.

i was resistant.
you both told me i was being too cautious.
i did it.
now you say it was wrong.


wtf, family? WTF?

I miss school. Working full time at my job at UT has been a double edged sword. I get to do what I like, in a place that I love which is great. But I also have to deal with all these undergraduate students, stumbling along, having the time of their lives and they don't even know it. That part.....sucks. I see them and I want to be them, and I can still taste it because exactly one year ago today I was in that same position. I feel like, at the time, I knew what a great time I was having. And I knew it was coming to an end. I squeezed all I could from it, but that still almost feels like it wasn't enough. College really, absolutely, honestly was the very best time I've ever had in my life. I met the best people, I did the most hilarious things, I grew so much. I am so absolutely terrorfied of never feeling as passionately again, about anything, as I do about UT and my four years of undergrad.

I see kids sleeping in the floor of AMB, I see them hurrying off to class...I see them worrying about the only important things to undergrads: parties, classes, and naps. I want that.


I can't find the rewind button.

1. What do you do? How general. What do I do..... hmm.. A lot of things, I guess. But mostly worry.

2. What makes you pay attention? Something that I have interest in? Again, what kind of stupe-ass question is that?

3. What's your inspiration? Failure. Not even joking. Most of the things I do, I do because I either don't want to look stupid or I don't want to fail.

4. Do you believe in magic? No, I haven't for a long time.

5. What is your favorite subject to write about? Myself. For someone who hates so much about herself, I sure am pretty self-involved.

Updates I promised and updates I am ready to produce.

What has been up with my life, lately, you ask? So much. I am writing to you now from my dining room table. Yes, dear readers, I have moved from the dorm I grew to love after four years. I am now blogging to you via wireless internet from my lovely loft apartment that I share with Todd and our new beagle, Dagny. We are still in the process of settling in here, but it has been almost three months that we've been here. I must say it's very strange to live in a place with more than one room, but even more strange to live in your own place that has your own kitchen, bathroom, etc. I have spent a great amount of time in the last three months settling into a routine that is so much like my mother. I clean everything, every day, and the work never ends. I am also becoming a good little cook, making dinner often. I think Todd enjoys it, and Jordan joins us often which is nice, and he is at least polite enough to tell me he thinks I'm pretty good too, even if he doesn't believe it... I am cooking things that I consider "hard", too. So far my top performances have been turkey (which was great) and I did ribs yesterday for Independence Day. If you're curious, sometimes I put on my new, real pearls just for added affect. I'm not even joking. I started wearing heals during house chores just because I heard you burn twice the calories. So far I am really developing calf muscles from vacuuming in my stilettos. No joke.

Tomorrow I take an online final which finshes my schooling, undergraduate at least, for good. It has been a strange month of June finishing class. I found this class to be particularly interest. Sociology's criminology department offered a study in juvenile delinquency so I took that and it has all been online. Very interesting. I think one of the most spectacular parts of college was that I found almost every class so very interesting and stimulating. I also think that perhaps that is why I never settled on a graduate program. There are so many things I could study or fields I could work in and still be content that I can't choose. And so I haven't, which is another source of stress.

I am currently not planning on attending school full time in the near future. As you know I worked in the advising offices of the College of Arts and Sciences at UT my last year of school, and I continue there right now. I am in the process of applying for an Administrative Professional position in that same office. I had my second interview today and should hear their decision soon. It was a really "big girl" interview, so I wore a suit and surprised everyone, including myself. The pay is very low, but the medical benefits, coupled with free graduate classes, combined with my actual enjoyment of that field of work is what is driving me to apply. If I don't get this job, I don't know what is next. I may take some time off from everything and see where I land.

I feel like I am growing up so rapidly, and in a way I am proud and feel accomplished. In other ways I feel nostalgic, sad, and even boarderline depressed. I am having trouble coping with the various changes that are happening, or I at least perceive to be happening. I feel like some days I am on a real emotional rollercoaster and I can't tell if I'm at a crest or a pit. Part of my anxiety may come from that fact that the future is really, honestly wide open. I have achieved one goal I've dreamed about since I was about 8. I graduated, with top honors, from UT. Every bit of school work, every extra curricular, every bit of me spent the time from 8 to 22 working for that. And now that it's done, I don't know where to turn next.

I enjoy my new home and makeshift family, but yesterday during the fireworks I felt extreme homesickness for Kingsport. First 4th of July away from home. Nobody gets teary over that, do they? I did.

That's all for now, hopefully I will be back soon to update more. There are a lot of things to talk about but I'm not sure when I'll be ready...

I am alive, I promise. I've thought about it, and it's time to start LJing again. I have to go through and make most things Friends Only, though, because apparently out here in the real world people like to read things you wrote when you were 15 and angry at the world and use that as an excuse not to like you or hire you.

SO yes, I will be back. Yes, this will be Friends Only. Yes, LJ is free and I will add almost anyone. Especially my friends, I think you guys need to know what I'm thinking.

I just finished my last undergraduate exam...and I'm sobbing like a baby.